Deep fear

A deep fear lives in me, not on but in...

When I was a small child my neighbor was shot down in front of me, I’m still trying to make sense of it and then one night men in a big white truck with really big lights chased my mom, my brother and me and then a man stopped and pointed a gun at me and two of my cousins and he jumped out of his car and grabbed my cousins coat and then my grandad died and then Chasity died and then my uncle Brother suddenly, and then my grandmother and so on and then...my son was murdered and I don’t know who did it, now pieces of this puzzle misses...

And then I was drugged and it still makes no sense to me how I woke up naked strapped down suffering from more trauma after all the trauma I had been through...then my dad died and I still suffer from trauma and from fear of death...

This weekend was great and I want more of those great weekends but who knows because death is sure to come, not knowing when frightens me bit I’m so sick and tired of living in fear but my senses tells me I need to because predators are everywhere and they may wear the greatest smiles...

Loving me ain’t easy

When I started loving myself I realized how much work it is, love you first and if you love you first you will soon realize how hard it is loving you....loving me is not easy because I’m still a work in progress...

Why can I slack and everyone has too be flawless, all but me, the Bible teaches a one way of thinking, if I’m not right no one is, and no one else is right just me...

I can only correct me and I often let myself down because loving me ain’t easy...

Getting back on track

Last month marked the anniversary of the death of three important people in my life, my grandmother, my mother and my son all died in February and my daddy birthday is in February and during this time of the year in space no matter where I am I feel the shock of this month. Hopefully I can get back to using this site to express myself because I really had cut back on drinking too much alcohol.

I noticed a while back certain things will spook me like certain citations or even eating, I find it hard to try new foods and have a hard time eating food I didn’t prepare myself and then I worry is it tainted with some type of bacteria that heat can’t kill and things like that. Hopefully I can get back on track and plant me a garden and store my own food, real soon.

If it time to go

If it time to go nothing I can do to prolong my stay...

Power to view each day that way when it comes to death...so tired of fearing death

God said

I remember one day after church I said to a lady God said this, I don’t remember what it was he said, just her expression, like she was stunned and then the comment she made led me to believe she didn’t believe me. If you don’t believe what I heard in my head why should I believe what you heard in yours. After all God is everywhere, right. 

He in my head and yours, and reading our thoughts and clocking our actions at least this is what I thought until I no longer believed that. The expression on her face said to me God only speaks to a few folk, but I was still puzzled, how do you know?

But then I stopped believing because I soon realized that was just my own thought. When we young we don’t listen to our conscience, or it is still growing, when we reach a certain age, caution will speak in our brain, we can say it is the voice of another or we can reason with self and realize it’s just the thoughts in my own head warning me of what could possibly happen if I do thus and so of a thing this could possibly happen.

I still have a hard time listening to me because of the cares of others and criticism from folk tearing me down for simple things, I’m still learning and growing and may change how I feel about a certain subject tomorrow...

As for hell and God I will know one day and if I’m sentenced to hell after death my plan is to dance on the flames to help keep them lit so Mother Earth can stay heated...